Misguided Fear

Since young, I learnt that most of the things I REALLY want, I cannot have. I learnt it the hard way. There was once when I was 11, I wanted a dress I saw in a shop. I told my mum I wanted it. Mum let me try it on. I really liked it but mum said “No” and passed me a different dress. I kept telling my mum I wanted the dress I picked, my mum kept saying its not nice. No matter how much I told my mum I liked it, her decision was final. I cried so much after. LoL!

Mum’s choice is always the best, no? Unfortunately, I saw everything in a different light back then. I withdrew back so much after countless 'NO's from my mum about the choices I make or the places I wanted go.

My mum has been so protective of me and my sister since we were young. She picked all our clothes, she makes most of the decisions for us and we mainly stayed home while my brother gets everything he chooses and gets to go out anywhere he wants. I always thought it was unfair to have a different level of freedom.

So, I grew up being really protected and resenting it. Whenever I’m out alone, I felt the sense of freedom even if it was just for a few hours. I would take long walks alone near the school to the parks, the museums, the amphitheatre and sometimes I would even just walk to Waterfront. That was towards my later years in high school.

As a teenager, I feared rejection. I hated the word ‘NO’. I never could accept the word ‘NO’. I would end up withdrawing myself into my own space. My clever head told me, ‘DON’T EXPECT, DON’T ASK, DON’T TRY’. That way, I would not get rejected or have the word ‘NO’ slapped across my face.

Subsequently, I tried to expect the least. I feared asking or hoping for anything much. By doing so, I could avoid as many ‘NO’s as possible and then face less disappointments. Imagine that, I feared even to ask for anything from my own parents while I watched my brother asking for everything and getting them. For years, I felt so jealous of him.

That was my mistake. I felt so jealous of him but I never did anything about it. All I did was sit there and be miserable. I just watch my brother get everything and all I could do was hope that things would just fall on my lap. Sorta like hoping for a miracle every day just because I didn’t dare to ask for anything.

Apparently, even as I grow older I still have the fear of asking for anything... even for help. I feel helpless all the time and yet I don’t dare to ask for help. I rarely call friends because I fear of whatever the 'NO' may be. I’m even scared to suggest a place I feel like going with my mum.

Living life like this sure is torturous. Subconsciously fearing every single damn thing. My virtual ‘shrink’ whom I barely know asked me, “What are you scared of?” And at that point in time, I didn't know what I was scared of but I feel it every single day.


Then he said:
How do you face a fear that you feel and yet not know what it is?


I guess my biggest fear is actually REJECTION. I mutilated that fear into something that limits me every single day. Apparently, I managed to just make that fear my own worst living nightmare. Funny~ So maybe now I should just have millions of rejection thrown at my face.

By then, let’s see how much rejection I can take without breaking apart…….